Fears??? Me???

You wrestle with a core fear

We have found that most women have a core fear related to disconnection -they fear not being heard, not being valued, somehow losing the love of another. Most men, on the other hand, have a core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled -they fear failure or getting stepped on. Some version of these fears seems to exist in everyone.
Without identifying your own core fear and understanding how you tend to react when your fear button gets puched, your relationship will SUFFER. Every time!

It´s amazing how we all try to get the other person to stop making us feel "failed" or "invalidated" or whatever core fear we have. In reality, others are simply revealing our core fear and giving us an oportunity to choose a better course of action that allows us to deal with our core fear in a healthy way.

DON´T EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO BE YOUR SOLUTION

When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. An anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear!


You want connect, but you fear you´re not attractive enough (or completent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you´re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear your are powerless. "Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants?" When you fell your wants won´t be fulfilled, you experience fear.

All of your "deepest desires" stem from our desires for CONNECTION and CONTROL. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

You´ll do or say anything to calm your fear!!!

THE DAMAGING FEAR DANCE

When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. Often your reaction triggers the core fear of the other person, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance.

It´s how you choose to react when someone pushed your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage aur relationships.

WITHDRAWAL

Many men withdrawal when their fear button gets pushed. They don´t want to yell and scream, but they also don´t want to allow their button to get pushed repeatedly. So what they do? THEY LEAVE!!! They hop on a motocycle or head to the garage. Or maybe they just disappear behind a newspaper they´ve already read.
However they do it, they take themselves out of the conflict by fleeing, either phisically or emotionally. But doing this, they´re trying to protect themselves-but that very act harms the relationship and causes it to deteriorate. Withdrawal almost always taps a woman´s fear of disconnection... an so the dance continues.

The DNA of Relationships - Gary Smalley.

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Can you see that my friend?
I´m praying a lot ... the Lord will give you strenght that you need to choose the best!!! Just trust in Him and move on step by step...